People expend a great deal of effort contemplating their own happiness or lack thereof. They invest a great deal of time and mental processing power in seeking to understand how they could be happier. Those prone to depression or anxiety might spend their time contrasting their current circumstances with their expectations or an idealized version of what they want their life to be. Whether a client is dealing with panic attacks, anxiety, depression, or a general lack of direction and fulfillment, counselors generally find that their clients do not benefit from attempts to think their way out of their problems. Often, actions are more beneficial than thoughts.
If you want to change how you feel, change your habits. Replace unhealthy habits with healthy habits. Research shows that habits form naturally if behaviors are repeated consistently. Habits may form in as quickly as 18 days. Sometimes it takes longer, over 100 days. We recommend clearly defining the healthy habit you wish to form and using a calendar to track your daily progress. Place a large X on every day you successfully execute the behavior.
The more specific the behavior, the easier it will be to monitor progress with the calendar.
The types of behaviors you wish to change may include:
- alcohol or tobacco use
- eating habits
- exercise habits
- use of TV/Internet
- sleep patterns
- spending habits
The purpose of process is to take something that seems very complex — how am I going to feel happier, more fulfilled? — and make it much simpler — did I successfully limit myself to one hour of television today? If you are able to achieve your daily behavior objective, mark an X and relax. By the time your new behaviors are habits, you may feel differently about yourself and the direction your life is taking.
When we communicate verbally, we are using symbols to convey meaning. If I tell someone that my car is red, there is a high probability that (if they are listening) they will understand what I am trying to communicate. Because he or she probably has a very clear understanding of what the word red and car represent. People don’t argue often about whether something is red or not. Or whether it is raining or not. These type of concrete statements rarely the source of confusion or disagreement.
Emotions, on the other hand, can be slippery. Here is a small example using a common emotion: fear.
I am afraid of big, barking dogs.
Simple statement. The meaning should be clear. A deeper examination of two test cases, however, demonstrates that when emotions are the content of the message communication is rarely black and white (or red). The same statement communicated by two different people can have radically different meanings.
Person A: I am afraid of big, barking dogs. Person A is does not like loud noises in general. Neither does he like dogs. He thinks they are filthy creatures who track mud everywhere they go. Barking dogs are a combination of two things this person doesn’t like. Loud noises make him nervous and bigger dogs bark louder.
Person B: I am afraid of big, barking dogs. Person B was attacked by a neighbor’s dog as a child. He had to go to the hospital to treat the injuries and still has scars on his arms. He vividly remembers being told that the dog was friendly, all bark and no bite. He feels tightness in his chest when he is close to larger dogs.
Same statement. Completely different meanings. It is the responsibility of both the speaker and the listener to ensure emotional statements are understood.
Do you talk to yourself?
Of course!! Everybody does. The better question is “what do you say to yourself?”
Brene’ Brown, LCSW, a leading researcher in resiliency and human behavior notes that current research demonstrates that the difference between those that are confident and those who are not is that those who are — “claim their confidence”. They tell themselves positive messages, feel the positive feelings and act accordingly. Confident people don’t wait for someone else to give them permission for confidence or wait for others to take away confidence. I recommend that you take some time to check out Brene’ Brown on You Tube or one of her books.
A helpful exercise is to set an alarm to several intervals throughout the day. Then check to see what you are telling yourself. You may be surprised by the results.
What we put our attention on grows and what we take our attention away from diminishes. We need to counteract negative, blaming thoughts which destroy our growth.
The following are 5 affirmations which are worth time and effort in exploring.
- I have courage.
- I release my old unworkable patterns.
- I deserve a supportive relationship.
- I release my disappointments
- I am creating the life that I want.
Let’s consider some dialogue or self talk about each statement.
I have courage. We can picture a mountain road which has turn backs and inclines and declines. We can have the courage to keep moving knowing that it is not all uphill or downhill, but will lead to a vista with perspective. The root of courage is “cour”, referring to the heart. Listen to your heart.
I release my old unworkable patterns. Imagine a large old worn box in which you are contained. Now picture a new comfortable beautiful box. Visualize yourself stepping from one to the other. In this new box, you can embrace new habits and thoughts. You can try new ways to say and do things as well as new self messages.
I deserve a supportive relationship. We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. We can protect ourselves by putting up barriers to hurtful, controlling remarks and demands. Picture how animals protect their boundaries and respect others to take care of themselves. Ask yourself what a supportive relationship looks like to you and share it with those who are of support to you. Believe in your own value.
I release my disappointments. Hanging on to resentments and misgivings is a sure way to build anxiety and depression. Releasing disappointments can be visualized in many ways. One way is to name the disappointment and imagine putting it on an imaginary leaf to float down an imaginary stream. Another graphic visualization is to release one or several disappointments in an imaginary hot air balloon. You might also visualize a room with two doors in which you see the disappointment come in one door and exit the other. The disappointments don’t need to live in your mind, body, or spirit.
I am creating the life that I want. Putting your focus on the life that you want is the way to attract your desires. Try spending five to fifteen minutes a day watching a movie in your mind about the life that you want. Your intention will create your destiny. You’ll begin taking active steps to create a reality that is life fulfilling. Follow your positive self talk to create a meaningful life. Spiritual connection with a higher power will also give added guidance to your life. Knowing the recordings in your mind and where they came from is part of the equation to a healthier happier life. The other more important part is to choose what you say to yourself. This takes a conscious effort. Counseling is a valuable resource to identify the healthy and unhealthy messages an how to make adjustments. Listen to your voices and talk back.
By Sharon Nelson
While there are multiple reasons couples seek professional help for their relationship, often an underlying issue is that they no longer feel connected with one another in at least one of the following areas. Take a moment to honestly answer these questions regarding your partner:
1. Intellectual: Can this person connect with me intellectually?
2. Emotional: Can this person understand/handle my emotions? Do I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with my partner?
3. Spiritual: Does this person share or respect my spiritual/non-spiritual beliefs?
4. Chemistry: Does it feel natural and enjoyable to be in each other’s physical presence?
5. Lifestyle: How comfortable do I feel and function in my partner’s “world”? (Culture, eating habits, sleeping patterns, cleanliness, health, social habits, hobbies, etc.?)
If you find yourself doubting or rationalizing your answers…if something doesn’t feel “right”, then you probably won’t be satisfied and happy in a long term relationship with your partner. Often people start relationships connecting in only a few of these five ways such as enjoying similar social habits, a physical attraction or idealizing a professional achievement. However, over time, if all five of these connections aren’t satisfied, it can often leave someone wondering what went wrong, when actually the problem is that they didn’t find someone who satisfied all of their connection needs to begin with. Before you make any decision to enter into or end a relationship, make an appointment to see one of our professional counselors to explore your feelings and expectations about your relationship. We will be able to help you make an informed decision about the right direction to take.
Both parties involved in a communication have the opportunity to share a particular version of the truth. Whether or not this version of the truth is 100% honest depends on the individual and the particular communication in question. Most people have experience sharing tailored versions of the truth in certain situations. For example, the parent who flushes a toddler’s goldfish down the toilet: You see, Dorothy is swimming to the ocean to be with her friends! Some would call this type of communication a lie. Others recognize it as an attempt by a parent the explain a difficult situation in a way that a small child can understand.
Sometimes we don’t understand the truth ourselves, particularly where our own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are concerned. Drug addicts and alcoholics, for example, are often unable to understand the truth about their own drinking or drug use.
Good communicators understand that the people with whom they are speaking, even when speaking truthfully, are sharing the truth as they understand it. Those who do not, may be headed for a communication breakdown.
“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
–Abraham Lincoln
A common issue that leads a person to seek counseling is their belief that they are unhappy, yet they are not able to verbalize what would make them happy. The individual can identify multiple reasons why they are unhappy, even blaming situations (finances, job, school, arguments) or others (spouse, parents, teachers, peers) for their unhappiness. Some people believe they do not deserve to be happy or they are waiting for a future event, situation or person to bring them happiness. Their perception about their unhappiness can even lead to physical manifestations, broken relationships and self-defeating behaviors such as substance abuse. The counseling process can help one examine their beliefs, expectations and define what “happy” might look like. Making your mind shift or change beliefs about being happy is an individual process. For some, the shift occurs quickly and easily, while others may struggle and shift at a slower pace. Either way, the professional counselors at pinnacle Counseling are ready to help you as you make up your mind to be happier!
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