Archive for: Marriage Counseling

The Habit of People Pleasing

Are you in the habit of always thinking of everyone else first and putting your own needs dead last?  Well, you are not alone!  That issue comes up frequently when someone shares with me about their anxiety or depression.  There are likely several factors at play that cause you to sell yourself short.  But in the end, you are left feeling resentful and exhausted.  Who is there to meet your needs?

We have to start “showing up” and making our own needs and wants known.  A favorite saying of mine is, “You teach others how to treat you by what you allow”.  Powerful stuff! Think about your current relationships.  Do these relationships have a 50/50 balance, with you and the other person being equally important?  If not, why?  Chances are, you definitely deserve to own 50% of the input in the relationship.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can be a powerful tool for overcoming the habit of people pleasing.  We learn a life time of “messages” we receive from others which reinforce that our opinion doesn’t matter.  We learn that it’s not ok to make others upset or disappoint them. That belief may have served you once in your life, but with those kinds of thinking patterns our souls can really take a beating after a while.  CBT helps by uncovering the messages you hold to be true and teaches you to re-write the script.  The technique of assertive communication is important here, too.  The two extremes, passive and aggressive styles of communication, usually aren’t very helpful in the long run.  Assertive communication says “Your needs matter, and so do mine”.  Try to get in the habit of thinking and responding with that thought in mind.

To many, making themselves a priority has never crossed their mind.  How is there room for that when you are busy being supermom/wife/employee…?  You may find that by taking care of yourself first, or at least making your self-care an equal priority in the equation, you have more to give to others.  You may feel guilt about this, and frankly others may try to make you feel guilty about it, but self-care is vital to mental and physical health.  Self-care can be as simple as taking 15 minutes to enjoy coffee with a friend, getting to the gym for a work out, reading quietly- anything you want that is nurturing to your soul.  The only requirement is that it takes care of YOU.  It is ok to be nice to yourself!

Rachael Nachtigal, LPC

Five things you can do for your marriage now. Number two. The three A's.

The ability to change course in the middle of a fight is a powerful relationship skill. Most people do not have it. We can be so predictable in our arguments, so petty! Talk about the three A’s when you are both calm and relaxed. Practice them. That way you’ll be ready to use them as the antidote if your talk turns poisonous.

It’ll take a little courage to use them the first time. Someone is going to feel vulnerable. Do them in sequence. It should only take a minute. You can even preface by saying Okay, this is not working. I’m going to do a triple A.

Apology
Affection
Action

Apology — Take ownership for your part of the argument. Be honest. You’re trying to change the energy of the argument. Don’t take the easy way out by saying something like I’m sorry you’re being such a jerk.

Affection — As soon as you’ve apologized for your part in the argument, move towards your spouse. Offer a hug, a kiss, or reach out in some affectionate physical way.

Action — Pledge to take some sort of action. It’s better talk about something that you will do rather than something that you won’t do. I will treat you with respect is better than I will not call you names. Either way, follow through is the most important thing.

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Five best things you can do for your marriage now. Number three. Have fun.

A successful marriage requires consistent effort. It is not something that happens to you. It is something that happens because of your efforts and the efforts of your spouse. A happy marriage is always a work in progress. But it shouldn’t feel like work all the time. You need to have fun. Together. This is non-negotiable.

Plan a vacation you could never afford to take with no intention of ever actually going. Test drive a fancy sports car. Dream big together. Fly a kite. Go to a drive in movie. Play a board game. Do something you’ve never done before. Go to a flea market and by something ridiculous. Take an exercise class. Go see a scary movie in the afternoon. Hire a babysitter to watch the kids while you lounge around the house in sweatpants. Wrestle. Play some music wearing a bear costume.

Collaborate on something fun together. You deserve it. And your marriage needs it.

The holiday "blahs"

With the holiday season and winter months fast approaching, feelings and symptoms of depression will often surface or increase. Feeling “down in the dumps” or “blah”, sad, discouraged, hopeless, irritable, cranky, or easily frustrated are typical symptoms of depression. Also feeling withdrawn, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities, changes in appetite, sleep, energy, difficulty concentrating, and making decisions are commonly reported. A sense of feeling worthless or excessive guilt may be experienced. Some of these feelings may actually interfere with our relationships, school, job, social activities, and even day to day functioning. If you experience a few or most of these symptoms it is wise to pay attention to what your body is telling you and to take care of yourself.

Often people minimize or don’t understand depression and the possible effects of going untreated. Working with a mental health professional can help you understand depression and learn multiple ways to manage its symptoms. Regardless of the season, feeling better means living better!

 

Erika McCaghren

Five best things you can do for your marriage now. Number four. Reverse complaining.

If you want to change the style of a relationship, start with yourself. Your actions. Intimate relationships are a 50/50 proposition. Two people. If you’ve developed a pattern of judgement and criticism in your relationship, it may be time to create a new pattern. That’s okay. You can do that. And you can start with yourself.

Catch your spouse doing something right. Notice one small thing and express genuine appreciation. You may have to observe his or her behavior quite carefully to find something worthy of praise. But it will be worth your time and effort. Find the right moment to express your appreciation. And then see what happens. Your actions may gently nudge the relationship in a more positive direction. It may be only a small nudge. You both may immediately return to old patterns of criticism and negativity.  But still, it’s some movement in the right direction. A small victory. Progress builds on progress. Small changes become big changes.

Domestic Violence Against Men

Men tend to be silent about the abuse they suffer because of the perception that the man is able to defend and subdue an attack because of his size, weight, and strength. Men are embarrassed to admit they are living this way and if they do, they receive very little support from the police or the court system. There are very few shelters that accept men and even most women’s shelters will not accept children over the age of 13.

Men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed by the police and the public. Society has a hard time believing that a woman could physically overcome a man and hurt him but more often than not, she will attack when he is asleep or in some other vulnerable position and with a weapon! Because of a lack of funding and the absence of men reporting their abuse, there has been very little research on domestic violence against men by women. It is the common belief that women only hit when they are trying to defend themselves and that it is much easier for a man to leave the relationship than the woman. It’s not that easy for a man to leave, especially if there are children involved.

How Well Do You Connect to Your Partner?

While there are multiple reasons couples seek professional help for their relationship, often an underlying issue is that they no longer feel connected with one another in at least one of the following areas. Take a moment to honestly answer these questions regarding your partner:

1. Intellectual: Can this person connect with me intellectually?
2. Emotional: Can this person understand/handle my emotions? Do I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with my partner?
3. Spiritual: Does this person share or respect my spiritual/non-spiritual beliefs?
4. Chemistry: Does it feel natural and enjoyable to be in each other’s physical presence?
5. Lifestyle: How comfortable do I feel and function in my partner’s “world”? (Culture, eating habits, sleeping patterns, cleanliness, health, social habits, hobbies, etc.?)

If you find yourself doubting or rationalizing your answers…if something doesn’t feel “right”, then you probably won’t be satisfied and happy in a long term relationship with your partner. Often people start relationships connecting in only a few of these five ways such as enjoying similar social habits, a physical attraction or idealizing a professional achievement. However, over time, if all five of these connections aren’t satisfied, it can often leave someone wondering what went wrong, when actually the problem is that they didn’t find someone who satisfied all of their connection needs to begin with. Before you make any decision to enter into or end a relationship, make an appointment to see one of our professional counselors to explore your feelings and expectations about your relationship. We will be able to help you make an informed decision about the right direction to take.

Newest additions to the Pinnacle Counseling Staff

TorieHeadShot  KalliHeadShot
Pinnacle Counseling would like to formally welcome the newest additions to our staff, Torie Sullivan, a Mental Health and Relationship Counselor, and Kalli Hendren, Administrative Assistant.

We are thrilled to have them join our team! They are featured on the main page of our website (https://pinnaclecounselingnwa.com/pinnacle-counseling) and more about them is located under the “Our Counselors” tab. We look forward to sharing the talents of these incredible women with our clients.

 

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