Archive for: Marriage Counseling

The holiday "blahs"

With the holiday season and winter months fast approaching, feelings and symptoms of depression will often surface or increase. Feeling “down in the dumps” or “blah”, sad, discouraged, hopeless, irritable, cranky, or easily frustrated are typical symptoms of depression. Also feeling withdrawn, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities, changes in appetite, sleep, energy, difficulty concentrating, and making decisions are commonly reported. A sense of feeling worthless or excessive guilt may be experienced. Some of these feelings may actually interfere with our relationships, school, job, social activities, and even day to day functioning. If you experience a few or most of these symptoms it is wise to pay attention to what your body is telling you and to take care of yourself.

Often people minimize or don’t understand depression and the possible effects of going untreated. Working with a mental health professional can help you understand depression and learn multiple ways to manage its symptoms. Regardless of the season, feeling better means living better!

 

Erika McCaghren

Five best things you can do for your marriage now. Number four. Reverse complaining.

If you want to change the style of a relationship, start with yourself. Your actions. Intimate relationships are a 50/50 proposition. Two people. If you’ve developed a pattern of judgement and criticism in your relationship, it may be time to create a new pattern. That’s okay. You can do that. And you can start with yourself.

Catch your spouse doing something right. Notice one small thing and express genuine appreciation. You may have to observe his or her behavior quite carefully to find something worthy of praise. But it will be worth your time and effort. Find the right moment to express your appreciation. And then see what happens. Your actions may gently nudge the relationship in a more positive direction. It may be only a small nudge. You both may immediately return to old patterns of criticism and negativity.  But still, it’s some movement in the right direction. A small victory. Progress builds on progress. Small changes become big changes.

Domestic Violence Against Men

Men tend to be silent about the abuse they suffer because of the perception that the man is able to defend and subdue an attack because of his size, weight, and strength. Men are embarrassed to admit they are living this way and if they do, they receive very little support from the police or the court system. There are very few shelters that accept men and even most women’s shelters will not accept children over the age of 13.

Men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed by the police and the public. Society has a hard time believing that a woman could physically overcome a man and hurt him but more often than not, she will attack when he is asleep or in some other vulnerable position and with a weapon! Because of a lack of funding and the absence of men reporting their abuse, there has been very little research on domestic violence against men by women. It is the common belief that women only hit when they are trying to defend themselves and that it is much easier for a man to leave the relationship than the woman. It’s not that easy for a man to leave, especially if there are children involved.

How Well Do You Connect to Your Partner?

While there are multiple reasons couples seek professional help for their relationship, often an underlying issue is that they no longer feel connected with one another in at least one of the following areas. Take a moment to honestly answer these questions regarding your partner:

1. Intellectual: Can this person connect with me intellectually?
2. Emotional: Can this person understand/handle my emotions? Do I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with my partner?
3. Spiritual: Does this person share or respect my spiritual/non-spiritual beliefs?
4. Chemistry: Does it feel natural and enjoyable to be in each other’s physical presence?
5. Lifestyle: How comfortable do I feel and function in my partner’s “world”? (Culture, eating habits, sleeping patterns, cleanliness, health, social habits, hobbies, etc.?)

If you find yourself doubting or rationalizing your answers…if something doesn’t feel “right”, then you probably won’t be satisfied and happy in a long term relationship with your partner. Often people start relationships connecting in only a few of these five ways such as enjoying similar social habits, a physical attraction or idealizing a professional achievement. However, over time, if all five of these connections aren’t satisfied, it can often leave someone wondering what went wrong, when actually the problem is that they didn’t find someone who satisfied all of their connection needs to begin with. Before you make any decision to enter into or end a relationship, make an appointment to see one of our professional counselors to explore your feelings and expectations about your relationship. We will be able to help you make an informed decision about the right direction to take.

Newest additions to the Pinnacle Counseling Staff

TorieHeadShot  KalliHeadShot
Pinnacle Counseling would like to formally welcome the newest additions to our staff, Torie Sullivan, a Mental Health and Relationship Counselor, and Kalli Hendren, Administrative Assistant.

We are thrilled to have them join our team! They are featured on the main page of our website (https://pinnaclecounselingnwa.com/pinnacle-counseling) and more about them is located under the “Our Counselors” tab. We look forward to sharing the talents of these incredible women with our clients.

Great marriages: more than happy, magical accidents

Marriage is not a casual endeavor. Your spouse is your partner in the project of building your life. Every part of your life. From financial management to toothpaste management, your spouse plays a key role. A great marriage is an evolving work of art. The key word here may be work. This is a good thing. A great marriage is not a happy magical accident. A great marriage is the result of work. Frequently it will be the fun type of work. Sometimes it will be the work type of work.

Start here:

  • Decide that you want to have a great marriage. Then figure our what a great marriage is. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller: Your marriage moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you might miss it.
  • How are you two doing communicating your needs? Do you understand the difference between your needs and your wants?Are you having any fun?
  • Does your marriage have a spiritual orientation?
  • Have you fallen in love lately? If you have been married more than a couple of weeks, your spouse is not the same person you married. Have you fallen in love with this newer version of your husband or wife?
  • How is your marriage working as a small business? Are you building wealth? Financial security is key.
  • What are you excited about right now? What aspect of the future?
  • How is the physical intimacy in you marriage? Correct answer: Awesome! This is supposed to be the fun part. If it’s not great, that’s okay. As long as you both want it to be great, it can be.

These bullets, of course, are just a jumping off point, a place to begin a very important conversation. If at all possible, the conversation itself should be fun.

Five things you can do for your marriage now. Number two. The three A’s.

The ability to change course in the middle of a fight is a powerful relationship skill. Most people do not have it. We can be so predictable in our arguments, so petty! Talk about the three A’s when you are both calm and relaxed. Practice them. That way you’ll be ready to use them as the antidote if your talk turns poisonous.

It’ll take a little courage to use them the first time. Someone is going to feel vulnerable. Do them in sequence. It should only take a minute. You can even preface by saying Okay, this is not working. I’m going to do a triple A.

Apology
Affection
Action

Apology — Take ownership for your part of the argument. Be honest. You’re trying to change the energy of the argument. Don’t take the easy way out by saying something like I’m sorry you’re being such a jerk.

Affection — As soon as you’ve apologized for your part in the argument, move towards your spouse. Offer a hug, a kiss, or reach out in some affectionate physical way.

Action — Pledge to take some sort of action. It’s better talk about something that you will do rather than something that you won’t do. I will treat you with respect is better than I will not call you names. Either way, follow through is the most important thing.

 

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