Strengthen the friendship at the heart of your marriage

Strengthen the friendship at the heart of your marriage

The following seven principles, based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, focus on positive interactions between individuals in a relationship. Conflict is a part of every marriage. Some conflicts may be unresolvable. However, all conflicts can be overcome if underlying feelings of mutual positive regard are present. A strong and lasting marriage is a loving marriage. But the foundation of this love, according to Gottman, is honest and reciprocal friendship.

  • 1. Know each other. Learn your spouses likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc.
  • 2. Focus on  positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other.
  • 3. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways.
  • 4. “Let your partner influence you.” Translation: share power.
  • 5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Translation: Communicate respectfully, use “I” statements, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise. Gottman asserts that in both happy and unhappy marriages, more than 80% of the time the wife brings up marital conflicts while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.
  • 6. “Overcome gridlock.” Translation: understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict.
  • 7. “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions.
 

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