The Holidays – Fa la la or Bah Humbug?

Tammy Kennedy, LPC
EFT Trained Relationship Counselor

Are you exceedingly happy to see the holidays are “finally over”? To some the holidays are Great! But to others the holidays can be stressful and even dreadful!

The holidays can be stressful to all of us from time to time, but when there is added stress in the home, the holidays can be dreadful. When we feel disconnected in our relationship and we’re arguing about everything, the holidays can be a nightmare. The holiday get-together with the in-laws from hell is not typically met with happiness and cheer. Maybe your in-laws are amazing, but you and your spouse are contemplating separation and you haven’t yet told your family because after all, you’re just contemplating it, right? Nothing’s been set in stone and you don’t want to raise unnecessary fear – these types of scenarios don’t make the holidays pleasant. Difficult situations lead to the need for difficult conversations and we don’t like difficult. We tend to avoid these conversations all together, but they can loom over our heads for months and sometimes even years. We avoid these conversations because they lead to uncomfortable feelings and we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Yet Feel and talk is precisely what we need to do so we can begin to move forward to a happier place with one another and perhaps even greet the holidays with cheerful thoughts.

Tough conversations like these can be much easier aided by a trained therapist. Sue Johnson developed a therapeutic approach to couple’s counseling that teaches couples to talk in ways that encourage their partners to hear and listen in ways that encourage them to talk. In her approach, therapists teach couples self-awareness to recognize and understand their own triggers for unwanted feelings and other-awareness to recognize and understand the effect our behavior has on others. How can we begin to change if we don’t see there’s a problem? When we allow ourselves to be open and talk to one another – really talk to one another, we can learn things about one another we never even knew were important. This changes the way we see and understand one another. Understanding is the key to wisdom. We can’t possibly understand one another if we can’t really hear one another. We want to connect but we can’t begin the process of change until we understand and see ourselves from our partner’s perspective. This process is difficult – we must step out of “self” and step into “other” to see “you”.

Sue Johnson’s therapeutic approach to couple’s counseling is called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and it is rocking this nation. Research shows that EFT counseling has satisfaction ratings as high as 70% even 2 years after therapy ends. Couples report their relationships continue to improve with time as they continue to implement the skills they learned in therapy. Dr John Gottman, a leader in couple’s counseling, admits that Dr Johnson’s approach is “exactly what we needed in marital therapy” stating that his model of couple’s therapy has all the laboratory data to back “what makes marriage work and what doesn’t” but states that Dr Johnson’s approach takes the research to a deeper level. Dr Gottman states that Johnson’s approach gives failed marriages “a new chance for connection, an emotional connection”. This new level of connection gives couples a new roadmap to follow to resolve their differences in ways that lead to deeper more meaningful connections thus more satisfying relationships.