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Any party involved in a conversation has the opportunity to not listen. Sometimes, it’s obvious when your partner is not listening. Individuals engaged in the following behaviors are not actively listening: reading the paper, browsing the Internet, texting, channel surfing, wearing headphones, playing video games. Sometimes people pretend to listen. Just because a loved one is pretending to listen does not mean that you also have to pretend that he or she is listening.

You may be the most effective communicator on the planet — a Gandhi-level communicator, a Martin Luther King Junior-level communicator — but if you are talking to a post, you are talking to a post. If the person you are talking to is not listening you are mostly talking to yourself.

Save your breath. Ask for you partner’s full attention. When you have it you’ll know. Then proceed.

When we communicate verbally, we are using symbols to convey meaning. If I tell someone that my car is red, there is a high probability that (if they are listening) they will understand what I am trying to communicate. Because he or she probably has a very clear understanding of what the word red and car represent. People don’t argue often about whether something is red or not. Or whether it is raining or not. These type of concrete statements rarely the source of confusion or disagreement.

Emotions, on the other hand, can be slippery. Here is a small example using a common emotion: fear.

I am afraid of big, barking dogs.

Simple statement. The meaning should be clear. A deeper examination of two test cases, however, demonstrates that when emotions are the content of the message communication is rarely black and white (or red). The same statement communicated by two different people can have radically different meanings.

Person A: I am afraid of big, barking dogs. Person A is does not like loud noises in general. Neither does he like dogs. He thinks they are filthy creatures who track mud everywhere they go. Barking dogs are a combination of two things this person doesn’t like. Loud noises make him nervous and bigger dogs bark louder.

Person B: I am afraid of big, barking dogs. Person B was attacked by a neighbor’s dog as a child. He had to go to the hospital to treat the injuries and still has scars on his arms. He vividly remembers being told that the dog was friendly, all bark and no bite. He feels tightness in his chest when he is close to larger dogs.

Same statement. Completely different meanings. It is the responsibility of both the speaker and the listener to ensure emotional statements are understood.

Despite advances in mental health, the term “Nervous Breakdown” is still a term commonly used in our culture. In the past, the term was used frequently and covered a variety of mental disorders. While the term is a metaphor and is not a clinical or medical term, or indicates a specific mental illness, the description of symptoms can indicate an underlying mental disorder such as depression or anxiety. A nervous breakdown could occur after a prolonged period of feeling emotionally or physically overwhelmed, or exhausted with the demands of life or an external stressor, and to the point a person is unable to function in day-to-day life or feeling as if they are not able to cope with life at all. In the past, treatment for nervous breakdowns usually involved hospitalization, heavy medication, and even lobotomy. Thinking of a person as weak or unable to “fix” their own problems perpetuates the negative stigma of mental illness. Life today can be complex and stressful. Many people do not know effective coping strategies and are still hesitant to seek professional help. If you think you may be having a nervous “breakdown” or had one in the past, consult with us at Pinnacle Counseling.