Archive for: Relationships

A recently published book, The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, takes a look at what research tells us about the characteristics of the happiest 10% among us. Are they all rich? Good looking? Famous? Live in comfortable climates? Smarter than the rest of us? Excellent golfers? Read a ton of self-help books? Do they meditate, do yoga, eat only raw, fresh vegetables?

Nope.

The one characteristic that unites these lucky, happy few: they form and maintain lasting social relationships. They have friends, make new friends, and invest energy into maintaining close personal relationships over time. They don’t wait for you to call. They call.

So how do you find happiness in life? Make news friends and keep the old. What your grandmother said is true: Want to have good friends? Be a good friend.

Communication is the key to happiness where relationships are concerned. Both individuals in a committed and loving relationship should feel free to speak openly about anything. For difficult subjects it is important to say what’s on your mind in the spirit of compassion, love, and tolerance. Some topics are certainly easier than others. Here are a few of the most difficult:

• Your feeling that your partner spends too much money
• Your need to spend more time together
• Your sexual preferences
• Your partner’s sexual likes and dislikes
• Your need to privacy
• Your negative feelings about your partner’s family
• Your partner’s personal cleanliness
• Your partner’s bad habits
• Your worst fears
• Your past relationships

When approaching a difficult subject it may be best to start like this:

This is difficult for me. I want to talk about something and I think it’s important. But I think it’s a hard thing to talk about. Is now a good time to talk? I want to talk when you want to talk. It’s about ____________.

Why are apologies important?

We are human. We make mistakes. We say the wrong thing, we do the wrong thing. We are imperfect by design. We will inevitably mess up (some more frequently than others) and hurt those we care about. For this reason, it’s crucial that individuals in loving relationships know how to offer and accept apologies.

Is there a wrong way to apologize?

Absolutely.  Apologies that shift blame to the other person, for example, aren’t really apologies at all. Politicians do this all the time. The say: “if you were offended by what I said, then I am sorry…” I interrupt clients, stop them in their tracks, when I hear an if-then apology in couples counseling. These types of pseudo-apologies actually make matters worse. They are confusing and put both individuals in a defensive posture.

What’s wrong with that? Someone said sorry, right? It’s that enough?

No. An apology is not a part of an argument as to whether or not an action is justified. It is not an invitation to more analysis and debate. An apology is a white flag, an invitation to the end of hostilities.

So what’s the right way to apologize?

It’s not complicated. Two people are involved. Turn off the TV. Take a break from Facebook-ing or Pinterest-ing or texting. An apology done right takes about two minutes. The apologizer talks, the listener listens. When the apologizer has stopped talking, they switch roles. Then it’s over. Hug it out.

Any key phrases?

Some of my clients have been married a long time. Maybe the come in to see me when they hit a rough patch after twenty years of marriage. Maybe they’re seeking help adjusting to life without the kids in the house. These people have learned how to apologize over the years. Here’s something I hear from them: “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Notice the period at the end of the sentence. It’s important. I think this phrase has sustained many couples through the years.