Archive for: Marriage Counseling

Is it ok to compare my spouse or partner to someone else?

     It can be a common practice to compare your partner to that of someone else you know and can be particularly true if you are not satisfied with your relationship.   Let’s say you selected a good partner and didn’t “settle” on just anyone to commit to, you need to remind yourself of just that.  After the honeymoon, or several years of being together, it can be easy to forget what a terrific partner you have and start asking your partner why they can’t be more like “so and so”.  While this can be common among couples, giving in to this kind of thinking can damage your relationship and here is why.

  •  Comparing can betray trust
  •  Comparing can make you both feel inferior
  •  It is easy to idealize someone you don’t know
  •  The novelty of getting to know someone you don’t know is temporary
  •  Comparisons are not fair or even comprehensive

     If you find that you tend to compare your partner to someone else on a regular basis rather than acknowledging the positive and loving traits of your partner, it may be a signal to seek help and in doing so, you may be able to get your relationship to where it needs to be.

Psychotherapy

The first word of this compound word says it all “psycho”. No one wants to be associated with something that is strange, difficult to handle, and perhaps the worst of all: a scary, new experience. If you were to ask a friend or family member what psychotherapy is, they would most likely say something about paying a lot of money to talk about problems (and that’s putting it nicely). If you were to ask a counselor or therapist, we would describe it as a chance to be heard, without judgment through the ears and eyes of a professional, in the comfort and safety of a confidential session. The talking part might be easy…or hard depending on how you view your problems. If providing a safe place where clients can talk about whatever it is that is troubling them is the job of the counselor, what is your job as a client in psychotherapy? What do you have to know before you even walk through the door? Most first time clients wonder how we expect you to tell everything that you are thinking and feeling after just meeting.

These are common questions that can be answered. A client simply has to make the appointment with a counselor or therapist and come ready for the experience. Okay…that may seem a bit more intimidating than helpful, but it’s the truth. If you are open to the experience of psychotherapy as something completely different and refreshing you are on the road to understanding what it is and how it works. Before you walk through the door, you should know that you are not alone. Every single person you pass on the street has a past, a story, a journey. That road is paved with troubles, hardships, and bumps that throw off your sense of balance as you walk the road. This is where you have to believe that there are trained professionals ready to help and to listen to you. Why would a counselor want to listen to all of the “bumps” along the way in your life? Because we are trained to provide the safe haven for you to explore the inner workings of what is really going on in your life. There is no façade, just a real and honest experience with another person to ensure that you don’t trip on the bumps of life and walk, silent and hurting, through the rest of life.

If you are working through the bumps in your life and decide that the word psychotherapy is not as scary as facing it on your own…that is what we are here for.

 

Erika McCaghren

Married with Children

A just released report on the state of marriages in the U.S. included a prescription for healthy relationships for married couples with children. The idea that children impede healthy relationships between husbands and wives has been a topic in the media recently. This study found that many married couples report that the stresses associated with raising children have negatively impacted their relationships. But a substantial minority — 35% — report that their children have not made their relationships more difficult. What is their secret?

Here are some priorities identified by parents in this group:

  • marital generosity-small but regular efforts to attend to the needs of your spouse
  • good sex-might not be as frequent, but is it exciting?
  • religious faith-are you on the same page?
  • thrift
  • shared housework

The report, entitled The State of Our Unions Marriage in American 2011, is available for free download. The link above leads to the full report.

 

The holiday “blahs”

With the holiday season and winter months fast approaching, feelings and symptoms of depression will often surface or increase. Feeling “down in the dumps” or “blah”, sad, discouraged, hopeless, irritable, cranky, or easily frustrated are typical symptoms of depression. Also feeling withdrawn, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities, changes in appetite, sleep, energy, difficulty concentrating, and making decisions are commonly reported. A sense of feeling worthless or excessive guilt may be experienced. Some of these feelings may actually interfere with our relationships, school, job, social activities, and even day to day functioning. If you experience a few or most of these symptoms it is wise to pay attention to what your body is telling you and to take care of yourself.

Often people minimize or don’t understand depression and the possible effects of going untreated. Working with a mental health professional can help you understand depression and learn multiple ways to manage its symptoms. Regardless of the season, feeling better means living better!

 

Erika McCaghren

Dealing with Change

Changes occur all day long.  An appointment gets cancelled, you encounter a detour on the way home, you were anticipating roast beef for dinner and you got chicken.  It’s what life is and while you might get a bit frustrated, you learn to roll with it.  But what about the big changes?  Job transfers, marriage, divorce, children, medical changes and the death of someone you love.  How do you learn to adapt with the changes that will affect the rest of your life?

Whether you’re leaving the community that you’ve built strong relations with or having to bury a loved one, you will feel anger because it wasn’t your choice for this to happen to you.  Healthy coping skills result in better emotional stability.  Poor coping skills result in anger and resentment.

First, it is helpful to recognize that you are in the midst of change and that change is part of you.  Instead of thinking about all the negative issues, try making a list of all the positive benefits of this change.  Visualize all the possibilities and write them down.  Make up a “to do” list if there are things you need to accomplish before the change happens.  Call a friend and discuss your fears and ask for their advice.  If you feel that you can’t get past your fear, anger and resentment you may need to talk to a professional.  In talking with a therapist you will get an unbiased opinion and they will be able to give you some insight and the coping tools so that you can move on and embrace your changes.

“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” ~ Jim Rohn

April is Counseling Awareness Month

April is Counseling Awareness Month! Although many people know generally what counselors do, this is a time for counselors everywhere to stand together to promote the use of counseling services. We do this by reaching out to clients, readers, social media outlets, and through simple word of mouth that “We are here”. Pinnacle Counseling stands in full support of Counseling Awareness Month by showing people that we care and are here to support you. Knowing that there is a group of professionals near you, ready and willing to listen and help you through a particularly hard time or everyday struggles of life is a valuable tool. In any given situation, no matter the cause, difficulty, or time you have been dealing with the issue—we are here. Simply remember…Keep Calm and Call a Counselor!

 

Erika McCaghren

 

Sources: American Counseling Association

 

 

There is no place for scorn in a loving relationship.

A relationship between two people is a dynamic process. A lot can change over time. The intensity of physical desire may wax and wane through to years, only to wax again when you least expect it. At times, the most predominant feelings experienced by individuals in the relationship may be frustration or boredom. At other times, excitement and gratitude. Later, feelings could be become conflicted, complex. Boredom and gratitude, perhaps?

A relationship may seem to coast on past energies for a period of time. People change, priorities change, responsibilities change. Relationships move in cycles. For long-term relationships, renewal is perhaps the most important of these phases.

Through it all, a relationship can tolerate the expression of a lot of different feelings: joy, anger, confusion, contentment, boredom, desire, disappointment, respect, disrespect, patience, impatience, distraction, embarrassment, envy, acceptance, trust, distrust, wonder, defiance, satisfaction. Just to name a few. All of these feelings will be experienced at one time or another by individuals participating in a long-term relationship. Some of them are certainly more pleasant than others. There is a place for each in a loving relationship. Some are necessary and sometimes painful signposts on the way to a deeper level of understanding and love.

But there is no place in a loving relationship for scorn. Scorn is a relationship killer.

3 Common Therapy Myths

Myth #1:  Counselors only want to give me medication.
Due to state and federal guidelines, counselors are not able to write prescriptions for medication. Counselors operate as a profession by using a variety of techniques within the client-counselor relationship to promote and explore personal growth and development with the client.

Myth #2:  If I attend therapy, everyone will know about my problems.
The relationship between the client and the counselor is protected by legal confidentiality. Counselors seek to provide an environment of safety and calm to work through even the toughest of personal issues. At Pinnacle Counseling, we go above and beyond o ensure that our clients’ information, treatment, and medical records are kept completely private and handled with the utmost discretion.

Myth #3:  The cost of therapy is too high. I would never be able to afford it.
While the cost of therapy and treatment is an expense in itself, there are tools that you can use when deciding how to pay for the cost of your treatment. One option is insurance, depending on your insurance company and the type of coverage offered for mental health treatment. Another option could be a plan that you work out with your counselor for self-payment of therapy costs. It is vital that the lines of communication between the client and the counselor always be open and honest when discussing treatment and the same is true for therapy costs.

Whatever your concerns are, at Pinnacle Counseling we are ready to listen and help you take that first step in the process of recovery or a healthier lifestyle.

 

Erika McCaghren

Communication While in Conflict

When in the midst of conflict with a friend, family member, or loved one, inability to communicate can cause frustration, anxiety and even depression for everyone involved. Communication is essential to effectively resolving relational conflict, but how can one make sure good communication happens? Here are some questions that might help you as you attempt to communicate during conflict:

1. Are you prepared?
Chances are, during a conflict, you have some words that you want to say to the other person involved. However, in the heat of the moment, you may say things you don’t actually mean and cause more damage to the relationship. Before confronting the individual about an issue, spend time preparing what you might want to say. You may even want to write an outline, if the conflict is complicated and emotionally charged.

2. Is this the right time?
Part of the preparation process involves choosing a good time and place to communicate about the conflict. If your spouse is having a busy day at work or at home, don’t confront them as they are going into a meeting or cleaning up a massive mess made by the kids at home. If possible, agree upon a particular time or place to talk about the issue, when other tasks can be laid aside.

3. Are you focused?
As much as possible, remove all distractions that could hinder effective communication. Turn off the TV, shut the door, put your phone on silent, and focus solely on the person with whom you want to communicate. This will show that you are invested in finding a solution.

4. What is your body language saying?
Your body posture says a lot about your attitude during communication. If you want someone to know that you are listening, look at them while they’re talking, and not somewhere else. Don’t hover over the person angrily, or walk away as they are talking. Try your best to sit calmly and make eye-to-eye contact.

5. Are you using “I” statements?
Instead of saying “You make me feel ________,” say, “When you do this, I feel ________.” The latter shows that you are taking responsibility for your feelings, while still acknowledging the behavior of the other person

6. Are you making global accusations?
When trying to prove a point, it’s easy to say things like “You always ignore me!” or “You are just an irresponsible person!” Work to make more fair evaluations of the individual. You might say, “When you do _____, I feel like you are ignoring me,” or “There are times that you behave irresponsibly.” These types of statements indicate that, while at times the person may behave in ways that are hurtful, there are also times when they do not.

7. Are you showing appreciation?
Lastly, thank the listener for agreeing to speak with you about the conflict, and thank them for listening to you as you communicate. A little appreciation can go a long way in encouraging effective communication!

Kalli Hendren

 

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