Archive for: Relationships

A successful marriage requires consistent effort. It is not something that happens to you. It is something that happens because of your efforts and the efforts of your spouse. A happy marriage is always a work in progress. But it shouldn’t feel like work all the time. You need to have fun. Together. This is non-negotiable.

Plan a vacation you could never afford to take with no intention of ever actually going. Test drive a fancy sports car. Dream big together. Fly a kite. Go to a drive in movie. Play a board game. Do something you’ve never done before. Go to a flea market and by something ridiculous. Take an exercise class. Go see a scary movie in the afternoon. Hire a babysitter to watch the kids while you lounge around the house in sweatpants. Wrestle. Play some music wearing a bear costume.

Collaborate on something fun together. You deserve it. And your marriage needs it.

If you want to change the style of a relationship, start with yourself. Your actions. Intimate relationships are a 50/50 proposition. Two people. If you’ve developed a pattern of judgement and criticism in your relationship, it may be time to create a new pattern. That’s okay. You can do that. And you can start with yourself.

Catch your spouse doing something right. Notice one small thing and express genuine appreciation. You may have to observe his or her behavior quite carefully to find something worthy of praise. But it will be worth your time and effort. Find the right moment to express your appreciation. And then see what happens. Your actions may gently nudge the relationship in a more positive direction. It may be only a small nudge. You both may immediately return to old patterns of criticism and negativity.  But still, it’s some movement in the right direction. A small victory. Progress builds on progress. Small changes become big changes.

The ability to change course in the middle of a fight is a powerful relationship skill. Most people do not have it. We can be so predictable in our arguments, so petty! Talk about the three A’s when you are both calm and relaxed. Practice them. That way you’ll be ready to use them as the antidote if your talk turns poisonous.

It’ll take a little courage to use them the first time. Someone is going to feel vulnerable. Do them in sequence. It should only take a minute. You can even preface by saying Okay, this is not working. I’m going to do a triple A.

Apology
Affection
Action

Apology — Take ownership for your part of the argument. Be honest. You’re trying to change the energy of the argument. Don’t take the easy way out by saying something like I’m sorry you’re being such a jerk.

Affection — As soon as you’ve apologized for your part in the argument, move towards your spouse. Offer a hug, a kiss, or reach out in some affectionate physical way.

Action — Pledge to take some sort of action. It’s better talk about something that you will do rather than something that you won’t do. I will treat you with respect is better than I will not call you names. Either way, follow through is the most important thing.

A relationship between two people is a dynamic process. A lot can change over time. The intensity of physical desire may wax and wane through to years, only to wax again when you least expect it. At times, the most predominant feelings experienced by individuals in the relationship may be frustration or boredom. At other times, excitement and gratitude. Later, feelings could be become conflicted, complex. Boredom and gratitude, perhaps?

A relationship may seem to coast on past energies for a period of time. People change, priorities change, responsibilities change. Relationships move in cycles. For long-term relationships, renewal is perhaps the most important of these phases.

Through it all, a relationship can tolerate the expression of a lot of different feelings: joy, anger, confusion, contentment, boredom, desire, disappointment, respect, disrespect, patience, impatience, distraction, embarrassment, envy, acceptance, trust, distrust, wonder, defiance, satisfaction. Just to name a few. All of these feelings will be experienced at one time or another by individuals participating in a long-term relationship. Some of them are certainly more pleasant than others. There is a place for each in a loving relationship. Some are necessary and sometimes painful signposts on the way to a deeper level of understanding and love.

But there is no place in a loving relationship for scorn. Scorn is a relationship killer.